and then the downfall of humanity
I don't like family ties.

It's dumb to "love" someone more just because you share mitochondrial DNA and a common trait of flat noses.

Don't you love your family??

That's a loaded question. One where there's only one safe answer.

Yes. Just like how I love our country. And the country we moved away from. And apple pie. And the judicial system. And God. ... ... and rice. Don't forget the rice.

I think a better reason to love someone is if they have a sense of humor. Or be an excellent conversationalist. Or you share something in common. Like a hobby rather than blood. Qualities I've yet to find in many of my relatives.

My aunts may have a sense of humor. But ours don't mesh. Some cousins may be able to talk now but that doesn't make them or conversations about how one of them spat up really any good. And the only thing I've got in common with my uncles is the fact that I've got black hair. Can't talk to them. They started getting all awkward when I hit puberty and stayed that way (this is a testement to how few girls are born into my family. Boys, they can deal with. Girls, not so much. You can't joke about past and present sexual conquests with girls. It's just not proper).

But anyway...

duhduhduhduhDUH!! (<--- music accompanying the swirling newspapers)

FORTUNES WORTH OF PENUT BUTTER STOLEN!
CRUNCHY! CREAMY! GONE!

BREAD SALES PLUMMET!
"NOT WORTH IT" CLAIMS HOUSEWIFE

COUNTRY'S ECONOMIC BUBBLE BURSTS!
FARMERS SCREWED OVER. AGAIN.

JAM PEOPLE WARY.
"WELL...THEY'RE PRESERVATIVES. WE'LL JUST WAIT THIS OUT."